Mixed emotions, or not...

I had a very disturbing experience recently, one that has made me think about how I perceive others and what I think I want from them. A friend and colleague committed an act of fraud that has ruined his career. He and I have not been in touch in some time, we both changed jobs and moved in different directions, but the time we had spent working together was enjoyable and important at the time. And now, I don't know what to say.

I accept that as much as I believe we are in the business of education, the business of changing lives and helping people realize their best selves, we are also in the credentialing business. Credentials are at the core of what we do, it is proof that people have met a standard.

My friend represented that he held credentials that he did not have. And my sense of my own ability to judge character is shaken.

He had been very complimentary to me when I, at last, gave up on an Ed.D. I was pursuing when I knew that I could not, would not, give it the time it demanded. Then, and now, I rationalized it as a choice I made, not a failure. It came down to the sacrifices I was unwilling to make, and I spent my time being a Scout Leader and an assistant coach, I went to games and concerts, and I didn't finish, and he lauded me for that. I was touched. I genuinely liked and respected him, his opinion mattered to me, he was a younger guy making big moves, and maybe, just maybe, (or probably) I got a vicarious thrill from his accomplishments. We presented at national meetings, we attempted to launch networks, we had the kind of intellectual discussions about our profession that I wanted and needed.

Was it all a sham?

I really don't like thinking that I have been misled. I hate feeling as though I let myself be played. And I hate most that someone I liked and admired and respected could fail so spectacularly.

some thoughts about head injuries...

I haven't written in a while, and while I would like to blame that on the busy-ness of work and life, the painful truth is that I often think about sharing something and then decide that NO ONE in their right mind would care about what I might think or say. But this is different. I wrote briefly about this on my web page and now I have processed and thought it through to where I feel I should say something. Even when the topic, the title above is so depressing or possibly morbid.

Junior Seau, a former professional football player, recently killed himself. He shot himself in the chest, sparing his brain, which his family has donated for research. I am not a die-hard football fan, but I liked what I saw of Junior Seau, he played hard and passionately, and he was a team leader. Dave Duerson formerly of the Chicago Bears killed himself in the same way not too long ago. Too often we hear about the post-concussion syndrome former NFL players experience and the toll it takes on their lives. Some might say, "so what? these guys make lots of money beating their own bodies and the bodies of others, why should I care?" to which I answer, because it isn't just at this level...

I played high school and college football, and while I was never a great player, I remember the head injuries I endured in practices and in games, and realize how much harder and faster these players at the "elite" levels are being hit. I was a 210lb defensive end in Division III, now players at my position might weigh 290lb and run a 4.4 40 yd dash. Agile, mobile, and hostile just scratches the surface...Besides the training, conditioning, and nutrition, what has changed? The equipment.

My first few helmets were lined with leather and cotton webbing like you would see in a nice preppy belt. It was a plastic shell with enough suspension to keep my head from colliding with the sides of the helmet. If I hit someone really hard, or if they hit me, I felt it. Big time. Later I had a more modern helmet with plastic and foam, and air bladders that helped fit the helmet to the unique contours of my head. I still had teammates who missed games due to severe concussions.

Today, I see updated technology, but the same basic designs, a hard shell lined with bladders and foam, but how well will it protect you, or your son, when a 200-300lb person moving at high speed collides with you? The problem as I see it is that the violence of the game has escalated as players have gotten bigger, stronger, and faster, and the equipment has not kept pace. Sure there are "flak" jackets for quarterbacks and other protective gear for necks and knees, but the helmet is more a weapon than it is a protection.

Lacrosse contact is not as violent as football, there are body checks but no tackles, and yet I have seen the same kind of glazed eyes on players in lacrosse, hockey, even soccer when big, strong, fast people collide.

So, I worry. I worry about young people with long lives ahead of them being permanently damaged just to play a game for too few years. I wonder how many of my 55 year old aches and pains are the residue of pushing a young body too hard, making it do and endure more than it needed.

By the way, my last concussion (at least the last one I remember) I received playing softball. (I wasn't a very good 2nd baseman.)

been away...again

For the few of you who actually read my "brain droppings" (with a nod to the late, great George Carlin) I have a few thoughts to share that I hope don't devolve into a rant. I don't like when I rant, as I am usually lowering myself to level of the behavior about which I am upset. Perhaps I'll share my Syracuse Lacrosse tournament story some time. I really strayed to the dark side of my nature that day...

Anyway, I am deeply troubled by the anti-intellectual tone the Republican primaries have taken on. It seems that being smart, or daring to aspire to be intelligent, is no longer a trait to emulate, but rather an albatross to bear. Oops, there I go, using literary allusions that put distance between me and the "common man" candidates are courting so fervidly. Oh oh, is fervid too obscure a word?

Seriously, former Pennsylvania Senator Santorum has criticized the President for supporting higher levels of post-secondary learning. This bald appeal to the lowest common denominator is almost as horrid as Newt Gingrich's barely cloaked racism. I know I lean a bit to the left, but for God's sake, these people have made "moderate" a dirty word! I grew up in Pennsylvania, and wonder how Santorum can live with his incredibly narrow minded views on homosexuality given the pretty obvious "unholy trinity" I observe each time I go home...what is that you ask? The Three P's of PA...Porn, Pyrotechnics, and the Pentecost. Drive down Rt15/99 through the heart of PA, the endless mountains, and you are assailed by adult bookstores/strip joints, sales of (illegal) fireworks (better have an out of state license), and churches...hundreds of churches all seeking to redeem your stained, tainted soul.

Living here in (Godless) New York, I seldom find anyone seeking to sell me adult products (OK, the occasional billboard in the city), fireworks (yeah, we are heavily regulated), or salvation. I respect that.

Growing up in Aliquippa, PA in the 60s and 70s, I was unaware of much of the world beyond the tri-state area of PA, OH, and WV. The 1969 Boy Scout Jamboree opened my eyes to a much larger America, travelling by bus to Idaho at the age of 12, college further opened me up, a friend from the Virgin Islands, meeting people from India and Iran, realizing how little I really knew, learning that my education would never be complete. But I feel like I may be (or have) ranting(ed).

Back to the anti-intellectual tone of the current campaign, can someone explain to me how the erudite Connecticut Yankee, George H.W. Bush begat the "good ol' boy" W? Is it something in the water? Or is Perry intentionally doing a bad "dubya" imitation? Perry and his Florida counterpart Rick Scott are already doing their level best to destroy public higher education in their states, is this what we can look forward to in the future? A Santorum/Perry/Scott approach to higher learning that says "less is more"? "Don't git too smart son, it'll git in yore way to the Waht Haas"...

I am not usually political here, I know that if I were polite I'd not discuss religion or politics (and I've done both) and run the risk of offending others, but I have been SO offended recently that I find it hard to stay quiet. I hope the electorate remember to respect the Constitutional separation of church and state. Our future depends on it.

Random thoughts on a Friday night...and Sunday afternoon

This might be sad...just be forewarned...

Today is one of those beautiful fall days that make living in New York special. Cool, crisp, sunny, and my lawn is still too wet to mow, so I sat on my porch with a cigar and a beer rather than while away time indoors. and I miss Jibboo...

I miss my dog terribly. The photo on this blog is of Jibboo, who died in August. She was a truly great companion. She listened, didn't judge, was agreeable to any trip, walking or in the car, and she really didn't mind if I made a mess in the kitchen...in fact she liked it.

Terri has taken the loss of Jibboo very badly. As much as I think I am connected and aware of her feelings, I feel badly that I didn't anticipate how hard the loss would affect her. I have had pets, and had to "put down" pets before. It doesn't make it easier, I just knew what to expect. She had never had that experience, and I am sorry I couldn't be of more comfort to her. She has had a lot of stress lately, and losing Jibboo was one more blow.

Sitting on the porch, I realized how badly I wanted to see Jibboo lying in the grass in front of me. She would come when called, and sit with me, or at my feet and be petted, or scratched, and somehow, it made things better.

I am not sure we are ready to get another dog, but I hope we are soon. My son Thomas trained her beautifully. She was funny, did all kinds of tricks, and listened, better than than anyone I have known. I miss her terribly.

She was riddled with cancer when we found out what was wrong. I feel such overwhelming sadness that I couldn't know that she was ill. By the time we knew, nothing could be done. It isn't guilt I feel, more a sense of helplessness that this wonderful creature who offered and expected nothing but love couldn't be saved.

I am not morose by nature, but today was a day for a walk. A day when we could have explored the weeds around the school for lacrosse balls, a day to burn a "dog walker" and spend time outside. A day when we would have come home and she would have collapsed on the living room floor. A good day to nap.

There is no good closing for this. I am sorry Jibboo. I am sorry that you are gone, sorry that I didn't know you were sick, sorry that we had to take that last trip to the vet, that we came home without you...to a home that isn't the same.

contemplating the meaning of blogging...

What does this really matter, I wonder? Is anything I have to say of any import? Does it make a difference anywhere? To anyone?

I started thinking about what is really important, to me anyway.

I need to trust people, and I need them to trust me. I have been burned, and I don't like it, but I can't become cynical. It is not my nature.

Loyalty is important to me. Friends, employers, family...loyalty is an underappreciated value today.

Civility is in short supply. Why don't we treat one another better? We can be friendlier, more courteous, more helpful to one another, and yet we seem to be so focused on our own needs we neglect others.

Of all the things I learned from my father over the years, perhaps the most important was the role of kindness. Kindness, genuine concern for the welfare of others may be the most critical value of all. Kind people don't cheat, don't steal, don't lie...it would be unkind to do so...

Positivity in attitude and outlook is important. Bad things happen every day, difficulty confronts us throughout life...how we deal with it is half the battle. Being positive isn't about "drinking the kool-aid", it is not about being unrealistic, it is not about blind faith, it is about looking for opportunity in adversity, about seeing beyond the difficulty, about coming through better, stronger, more resilient.

Strength is a tough thing to define. Is it the bravery of firefighters or police officers? Is it the risk taker who faces down those who are more powerful, better resourced? Bravery and character are too often assumed and too often lacking.

As I contemplated these "values" I was reminded that the Scout Law has twelve points; trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. While I can't say I am "reverent" in the church-going sense, I realize the wisdom of my early preparation. Thrifty? Terri will say I am just cheap...but I am a Scot, gimme a break...

what is important to you?

regret

Despite a vow to live a life sans regret, I wish I hadn't vented as I did last time. While I remain incredibly critical of my writing, this forum is not a place I planned to engage in polemic.

So, what does any of that mean?

I vented, I was frustrated, I let things get to me, and that is not who/what I intend to be. I have found that anger is a pretty wasteful emotion. It is bad for me, and bad for others. I have been working on putting anger aside. Venting about the bad decisions made by politicians is a waste of time and effort. Remember, I don't proselytize. I don't think anyone is going to change because I ranted about their bad behavior. At work, I have let a few situations affect me, my day, my attitude, and that has been counterproductive as well. I love my work, I enjoy what I do, I cannot let small things ruin that for me, and it is always the small things...

If you are someone who reads this, or someone who just happened upon it, I don't want you to draw any conclusions from the last post. That guy obviously has some issues.

wondering just who I am...

I know that the polite advice I was given as a child was to never discuss politics or religion, and for years I tried to observe that sage advice with about a 50% success rate. I have never been big on religion, and proselytizing was not in my blood, but I'd argue politics with anyone, convinced, like any true believer, in the rightness of my position.

I am a Democrat. For years, I believed that I was also a liberal. I still feel that way, but recent events have caused me to examine my self-concept. I am quickly coming to the realization that I am a fiscal conservative and a social liberal.

My brand of fiscal conservatism is, surprisingly to me, more aligned with Ron Paul than the Tea Party. The kool-aid drinking Tea Partiers don't seem to see that corporations are every bit part of the welfare state as the underprivileged for whom they would like to slash benefits. Big Oil, Big Agriculture, Big Pharma, all receive a pretty significant pay-out from the public trough, to say nothing of the manufacturers who benefit from defense contracts that are wildly out of control.

Let these firms compete in a true free market. Let's see how they hold up when they can no longer purchase legislators who guarantee them a return on their investment.

Socially liberal...I have always believed in equal rights. For a long time I had myself convinced of an American meritocracy. I was a kid born in the '50s who believed. I drank that kool aid...long draughts of it. I know better now, but I still believe that talented people will rise to the top, if we don't limit them. I believe that a family is people who love and care for one another. It doesn't matter if there are two dads, or two moms, it is about love and support. I believe a woman has a right to determine her reproductive future. I believe that freedom OF religion includes freedom FROM religion. I believe that the minute a preacher of any faith exhorts a congregation to vote a certain way, or presses a legislative agenda, it has ceased to be a church and is now a Political Action Committee and should be taxed. Matters of faith are matters of faith, political action is protected speech, but the organization taking a position should not be tax free.

I am venting. And starting to feel like an old man yelling at kids to "stay the hell off my yard."

I'll stop now.