Thoughts on ethical behavior

 I still haven't gotten to my book by Spinoza, but I have had a few occasions to talk with friends about ethics in this current world, and I am mostly dismayed. The behavior by our politicians on both sides of the aisle are loathsome, the refusal to follow the law by the "law and order types" is appalling, and the current situation in education, especially higher education, causes me some despair.

When I say both sides I mean that even well meaning people can err in judgement when they fail to take into account the impact of their decisions on others. I have taken enough policy classes to recognize that too often we, particularly in policy making roles, fail to look hard enough at the long term effect our actions may have on others.

Case in point, I won't name names but I feel I exercised good judgement on the situation I'll relate here.

In previous role at an institution I served, we had a new president and of course we went through the requisite strategic planning process including a re-definition/reaffirmation of our institutional values and mission. One positive outcome was to include staff in institutional governance and I was elected to represent my division. I enjoyed being a part of the process.

The previous president had retired under some controversy, and the faculty felt empowered to effect change based on the new institutional values. Among the institutional values was the common non-discrimination statement that the college would not discriminate on the basis of color, creed, race, religion, sexual preference, and so on. Fairly standard and not controversial.

However, members of the faculty senate felt that the presence of ROTC programs was in conflict with said values and were advocating that the programs be discontinued. The "ban" on gay members of the military was still in effect so it is obvious that this is prior to "don't ask, don't tell" and even more recent changes. The newly formed staff governance group was approached by the faculty group to ask for support for their position.  They laid out in detail how the ROTC policy was in conflict and that the presence of ROTC constituted a break from the institutional value statement recently enacted. 

An academic dean took the opposite position and advocated for ROTC as a positive for students and the military, stating that military officers educated in civilian institutions was preferable to an all academy educated military leadership, and that many students found the financial support critical to their ability to attend. The students entered the program voluntarily and with full knowledge of the existing policy. I found the Dean's argument compelling, especially as a first generation student who had considered, albeit briefly, entering a program that offered tuition support in exchange for service equivalent to the time one received the tuition support. (my father talked me out of it).

Then came the time for questions. I don't remember all of the questions that were asked but I do remember turning this issue over in my mind as I considered the impact of such a dramatic change. When given the opportunity, I asked and was answered as follows:

Me: Help me understand something, this is not an ROTC policy, but a military policy correct?

Them: Yes

Me: the military does not make these types of policies, rather these policies are made by the Department of Defense, and implemented by the military, including ROTC, correct?

Them: Yes that is right.

Me: The DoD is not run by the military, but by civilians who create policy.

Them: Yes, that sounds right.

Me: So our issue is not with the military, or with ROTC but with a civilian branch of government. If we recognize that to be the case, the only way I can see the college removing ROTC is to forgo all DoD funding including faculty research.

Them: You don't understand, we have academic freedom.

Me: Academic freedom has nothing to do with this. You have positioned this as a moral and ethical issue. To penalize students, and excuse faculty for taking the same "tainted money" is hypocrisy.

I could see them freeze in their seats as they pondered how to explain to engineering, science, and computing faculty how they had traded away the federal funding for research to take what they perceived as a "principled" approach. In my mind, policy needs to be implemented fairly and equitably. The meeting ended, and the issue never resurfaced in my time there.

I share this not for self-aggrandizement, but it strikes at some of the issues that face the academy today. Money means nothing to some, as long as it's not MY money. I agree with turning down gifts with strings or that impose ideology on the institution. I agree with rejecting gifts that are truly "tainted". (Who wants to open the John Gotti School of Law?) I also agree with rejecting gifts that "keep on taking" with restrictive covenants that cost the school more than the true value of the gift.

I'd speak to the issues involved in honoring slave-holding, racists from the past in naming buildings and erecting statues, but that is a much deeper project, and one with which I have not had to deal. (perhaps another time).

This feels a bit long, and possibly a bit self-aggrandizing, but I would hope that we as policy makers and implementers consider the effect our decisions can have long-term, and are possibly damaging to the people we purport to serve.

Until the next wave of righteous indignation overtakes me, thank you for reading my rant.

Some thoughts on relationships

 Lately a friend and former colleague has posted a number of deep, thoughtful messages on the importance of relationships. Much of his inspiration and perspective is based in, and formed by, his deep Christian faith. I appreciate that he has found a foundation upon which to build his discourse on relationships, but I don't share a faith-based view of how to make them work, how to get through the difficult times. I believe to make them work, both parties must be willing to work. The best of times in my marriage have been those time when we were clearly partners, not boss and worker, not boy-jobs and girl-jobs, but when we recognized that our success or failure was based on an ability to be fair with one another.

That sounds too easy, and it is, but fairness can be a complex issue in relationships. We may have times when one has to bear more of the burden for a variety of reasons, but at the end there should be recognition and gratitude, however difficult that may be to express. Another friend and I have been getting together over lunch to discuss a number of shared interests. He has gone through some difficult times and I admire him for staying positive despite the setbacks. It struck me the other day as we were talking that his (failed) marriage was a difficult relationship and apparently anything but fair. He had asked me about Terri who has had a rough time managing at the hospital. Covid, staffing problems, issues of too many sick people and not enough beds, emergency departments in the region re-directing ambulances to other facilities, as you grasp, it has been stressful and difficult. I told him, honestly, that she is very stressed and tired and otherwise weighed down in this. I have, on occasion, taken time to "talk her down" before she gets home so that I am not the target of her frustration. I want to help however I can, but I cannot be a strong supporter if I must bear her anger. I'll listen to her vent, but I'll stop her when it shifts from situations that are not work related, but convenient straw men to tear apart.

He asked how that was received and I shared that it is sometimes difficult and time consuming, but she is very smart and will, in time, realize I, or the dog hair on the floor, or the mess on the counter, is not the problem. That she needs to redirect, and deal with work issues at work, not at home. He seemed astonished, adding that whenever he attempted that conversation there were always consequences, as though trying to give someone perspective was negative, wrong, and not supportive. This conversation made me think of the other friends posts about relationships, of finding someone who will appreciate you for you, someone with whom you can share and not feel threatened. Good relationships on built on that; friendships, partnerships, marriages, families, social groups and faith groups.

Having read so much about the psychology of dysfunction (see earlier blog on sociopaths) I know I am no expert but good relationships are about an equal or agreed upon power dynamic. When our children were small Terri and I joked that we worked well together because I don't do blood and she didn't do puke. Gross perhaps but a shared recognition that even in the things we'd prefer not to do that it is never one person's responsibility, just as one person cannot make all the decisions. I have often commented in the past that one of our family challenges is having three oldest children each vying for leadership. Caitlin, Terri, and I are all firstborns and accustomed to making decisions. It wasn't conflict, but there are often tough compromises to be made.

I often share memories of positive comments made to me about myself and others. One of the recent, and very positive comments, was made by a former colleague, now retired, with whom I had worked at two different institutions. At the first we were in different divisions but often socialized after work or even at the golf course. My group was comprised of four of us, all department managers, who genuinely enjoyed one another. We socialized as families, as couples, as colleagues. My colleague from the other division once said to me "I was envious of your group, how you liked one another and did things together. My group just went their separate ways, we didn't have your 'espirit d' corps'. I had to ponder this a while, I had never thought of us as special. I'd never thought of it as different, but I realized in that moment that our relationships were deeper than work, we trusted and cared for one another outside the work environment. It even extended to some "tough love" from two great friends from that group who pulled me aside to say "are you trying to get fired? what is going on with you?" the confrontation was enough to make me recognize the "black dog" of depression that was following me, and I needed to seek help. I am forever grateful to them for what I am sure was not an easy conversation for them, but...relationships. Sometimes people we love or care about need to hear bad news, but they also need our support.

I don't edit myself so this may come across as rather 'stream of consciousness' or disorganized, but my point is to reinforce how important relationships are, and the intimacy of these relationships has more to do with how we care for one another rather than physical intimacy. I am not afraid to say I love these guys.

Some 20/20 hindsight

 

The above quote from singer/songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is a reminder to me that I have much for which to be grateful, including painful lessons learned along the way.

One downside of having time on one's hands is the old saw, attributed to both St. Jerome and Chaucer that "idle hands are the devil's workshop/playthings" for me the idleness is not necessarily in my hands but in the rabbit hole that is YouTube where a VERY powerful algorithm has figured out that I like Golf, OU Football, lists of odd or unusual things, and self-help/psych videos.

In my leisurely scanning of the above items I have come across some very interesting content about sociopaths and narcissists. While I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, I am enough of an observer of human behavior to realize that I have spent time with three sociopaths and one definite narcissist in my professional life. One of the sociopaths has actually been helpful to me, as I have never been a target or manipulated, but I have seen and heard some of the vitriol directed at others, the incredible vindictiveness, and the verbal abuse. Maybe seen is not the correct term as I have not observed it, but have been told by the individual in question of their verbal destruction of another. The switching between charm and aggression is startling. The other two sociopaths in my professional life have been much more harmful and hurtful to me.

Neither of these two individuals are capable of empathy, both are liars and manipulators, in my amateur analysis they appear to has anti-social personality disorder. Both seem to have experienced, or at least made up, tragic backstories offered to elicit sympathy. Once sympathy is shown, it is perceived as weakness and now it is manipulated and abused. Both appear to be absent any empathy, both blame others for their shortcomings, and oddly both are misogynistic. I'll leave their gender to the reader to infer. Both caused me personal pain that I finally came to realize was allowing them to continue to bother me. I've forgiven them. I'll never do anything to help them, but as has been said before, and better by the Buddha “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  I can't be that guy.

A supervisor many years ago told me that I was a "very nice man" and that helped me in my career, but it could also be a shortcoming in some situations. As the president of the college in Pennsylvania, I was at what can only be called a hostile editorial board meeting when one of the members said "you haven't done anything" . My niceness was stripped away and I nearly jumped the table to throttle the guy. My chief of staff grabbed me by the arm to stop me as I said "I take umbrage at that", "we have graduated students and placed students in jobs and transfer to other institutions". The editor later mocked me in the paper saying that "Nairn had taken 'umbrage' to statements made by the board". I had to let it go but I was very tempted to send a letter saying a newspaper man ought to know the word since he obviously confused it with umbrellas...but I digress.

Tonight in my readings across the web I came across an article that wrote about empathy in the workplace as healthy for organizations and a good leadership practice. As I have written time and again, kindness, empathy, forgiveness are virtues to which we can all aspire. 

OK, I can accept that I am nice, strength or weakness, virtue or vice, I am, or try to be. So now I'll be "not nice". The three aforementioned sociopaths have all been visited by karma, or "bad juju" as a former colleague called. The narcissist, about whom I have not gone to any detail, is now in prison for murder. I had spent a lot of time with this person and knew there was something unsettling, as my carpenter father would have called "half a bubble off" about them, but I could never have foreseen what eventually happened. 

As I said earlier, all of this knowledge from a few YouTube videos.

Maybe I should hang out my shingle?