A tough week...

A year ago this week, I was spending all of my waking hours watching my father die.

If that seems cruelly matter-of-fact, let me say that it was at once horrible and peaceful. I know that we are all mortal, that we will all pass away. The peaceful part for me was knowing what, and how, and fairly accurately, when he would pass. I miss him terribly.

I want to believe that I am not one to wallow in self pity. Indeed, some of the nicest things my sister has ever said to me occurred not long after this difficult time. A friend, not long ago told me that "God never gives us more than we can carry..." and I felt that I HAD to be strong, not just for my mother but for everyone, and most importantly to honor my Father's memory.

He was not expressive with emotion. I think I saw him cry once, maybe twice. I spent much of my life growing up wanting to hear him say he was proud of me. I don't recall that he ever did, but we loved one another and reached a place of mutual respect. I figure I can't ask for a lot more.

This week, as though through divine intervention, we finally are reaching closure with an offer on my parent's home...my home...the house in which I grew up. I don't feel any special sadness or remorse about this, instead a sense of relief, that my Mom will have the resources she needs to pay for her care. That she'll no longer pay taxes and utilities on a house that she, sadly, will never live in again.

all in all, a tough week....

Ironic...

I haven't been active in this in a year, and what brings me back? Just what I said would not, a movie review...

Crazy Heart isn't the best movie I have seen, nor is it a great movie, but it is very good. And since my last post was about The Wrestler I feel compelled to say why it has brought me back to blog.

Both films have been written for my generation. As we age, as we see our gifts diminishing, our bodies begin to betray us, our lives slide inexorably into middle and old age, these fims speak to us. Somewhere, long ago, I read that at the end of life, we seek not wealth or fame, but redemption. For many people, that will mean some sort of deal making with god as they lay dying. For others, it is the Bad Blake version of trying to set things right, even if he has failed his own family, in The Wrestler, it was Randy Robinson redeeming himself through his own self-destruction.

So what?

I sit here today, a 53 yr old man with heart disease. Looking for ways to make my life mean something before the inevitable happens.

I am not near death. I am just undeniably mortal.