Grief has many manifestations. We mourn loss in different ways and for different types of loss. I know that we usually associate our grief with death, but death too has many ways of presenting itself.
If you have read any of what I write, you'd know that I love Mary Oliver's works and have found meaning and comfort in many of them. Much earlier when blogging I wrote about how March has always been a difficult month for me. The greyness, the bare trees waiting for Spring, and the remembrance of the loss of both my parents. Both in March albeit 4 years apart. But grief has no fixed time frame, and I'll not go into a Elizabeth Kubler-Ross reflection.
Covid-19 has given us all cause for grief. Some loss of loved ones, some loss of connection with valued friends and colleagues, and some with loss of work or faced with economic uncertainty due to the pandemic. Not to diminish the very real pain of lost loved ones, we have all experienced some level of loss. A dear friend lost his mother quite a while ago, but was unable to gather with family and friends until this year. Terri knew of his love and devotion to his mother as a colleague of hers commented on what a loving support he was for someone who he knew would never come home, never again be the mother he cherished. He expressed his grief and love in a very moving and meaningful service that was appropriate to her "joie de vivre" and love for friends and family. He is still grieving but has taken some solace in the support of friends and family.
While being a supportive friend I came back in contact with another friend, or maybe more appropriately an acquaintance who was dealing with his own difficult situation.He had already lost a sister to cancer and was facing the same situation with another, close sibling. His father was now admitted to the hospital and the prognosis was not good. He was not well, but aware enough to know that he would soon lose another child. After her death, he too passed away.
I do not intend to be morbid, but his health was not good, and I have to believe that his health was also affected by a broken heart.
I've written often of my father and his life and times. One thing I neglected to note in my last post was that the first time I saw my Dad cry was at the death of our Aunt Anne. The woman who had raised him and his five brothers. My father was not often an emotional man, but I saw, even at six years old, the impact and broken heartedness he experienced. It would be some time before I saw him in that light again.
My Dad seldom called. the calls were always initiated by my Mom who would put him on the phone, so when he called one evening years ago, I knew something was amiss. He asked me "are you alone? Can you talk right now?" It as so unlike him I knew something very bad had happened. He wanted to talk to me somewhere away from my children so I took the phone in another room. He was audibly shaken and could only say "something terrible, something terrible". He had called to tell me that one of my cousins had tragically taken his own life. Having lost my Uncle Bill in WWII I knew that the worst family tragedy we could experience was losing a child. As I noted in an earlier post about my mentor, I understood how difficult it is to receive that call. He was devastated.
Dad was not much of a traveler. He used to joke that he didn't fly because they wouldn't give him "frequent flyer" miles. But, he and my two Aliquippa uncles made the trip to the funeral in support of my uncle.
Why all of this background? Not long after this my aunt fell into poor health. Some time after she passed a "cousin-in-law" a physician, told me that if anyone ever died of a broken heart, she had.
I have come to realize that grief is not isolated to loss of a loved one, although that seems to be the hardest to bear. There is no "coming back". But hopefully there is closure and we can move on.
Another friend has experienced one of the most devastating losses I can imagine. "Ghosted" by a lover. No closure, no answers, no explanation. This is both heartbreaking and cruel. How can we leave a loved one without notice, without any opportunity to understand. I am deeply hurt for my friend. I cannot grasp how someone you love can treat you so callously. I know my friend is still mourning. I hope my friend can heal, can trust and love again.
I too have experienced loss, but no where as deep or devastating as what I have described. I was hurt, disappointed, and affected on a deep level that threatened my self worth, my self esteem. As I have processed this loss I have come to the mantra I have described here before. I focus on Patience, Kindness, Forgiveness, and Gratitude. The hardest of all has been forgiveness. In mourning it is coming to grips with the loss and forgiving the other so we can forgive ourselves. Outside of loss due to death, forgiveness is often transactional. I can be grateful for all the good that has happened for me, and I realize that the root of gratitude is grace. I can be graceful in my sadness and forgive the transgressions I experienced. Hence, the Mary Oliver quote at the start. I was given a box of darkness, but I have found a way to appreciate it as a gift.
as always, thank you.
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