A tough week...

A year ago this week, I was spending all of my waking hours watching my father die.

If that seems cruelly matter-of-fact, let me say that it was at once horrible and peaceful. I know that we are all mortal, that we will all pass away. The peaceful part for me was knowing what, and how, and fairly accurately, when he would pass. I miss him terribly.

I want to believe that I am not one to wallow in self pity. Indeed, some of the nicest things my sister has ever said to me occurred not long after this difficult time. A friend, not long ago told me that "God never gives us more than we can carry..." and I felt that I HAD to be strong, not just for my mother but for everyone, and most importantly to honor my Father's memory.

He was not expressive with emotion. I think I saw him cry once, maybe twice. I spent much of my life growing up wanting to hear him say he was proud of me. I don't recall that he ever did, but we loved one another and reached a place of mutual respect. I figure I can't ask for a lot more.

This week, as though through divine intervention, we finally are reaching closure with an offer on my parent's home...my home...the house in which I grew up. I don't feel any special sadness or remorse about this, instead a sense of relief, that my Mom will have the resources she needs to pay for her care. That she'll no longer pay taxes and utilities on a house that she, sadly, will never live in again.

all in all, a tough week....