Lately a friend and former colleague has posted a number of deep, thoughtful messages on the importance of relationships. Much of his inspiration and perspective is based in, and formed by, his deep Christian faith. I appreciate that he has found a foundation upon which to build his discourse on relationships, but I don't share a faith-based view of how to make them work, how to get through the difficult times. I believe to make them work, both parties must be willing to work. The best of times in my marriage have been those time when we were clearly partners, not boss and worker, not boy-jobs and girl-jobs, but when we recognized that our success or failure was based on an ability to be fair with one another.
That sounds too easy, and it is, but fairness can be a complex issue in relationships. We may have times when one has to bear more of the burden for a variety of reasons, but at the end there should be recognition and gratitude, however difficult that may be to express. Another friend and I have been getting together over lunch to discuss a number of shared interests. He has gone through some difficult times and I admire him for staying positive despite the setbacks. It struck me the other day as we were talking that his (failed) marriage was a difficult relationship and apparently anything but fair. He had asked me about Terri who has had a rough time managing at the hospital. Covid, staffing problems, issues of too many sick people and not enough beds, emergency departments in the region re-directing ambulances to other facilities, as you grasp, it has been stressful and difficult. I told him, honestly, that she is very stressed and tired and otherwise weighed down in this. I have, on occasion, taken time to "talk her down" before she gets home so that I am not the target of her frustration. I want to help however I can, but I cannot be a strong supporter if I must bear her anger. I'll listen to her vent, but I'll stop her when it shifts from situations that are not work related, but convenient straw men to tear apart.
He asked how that was received and I shared that it is sometimes difficult and time consuming, but she is very smart and will, in time, realize I, or the dog hair on the floor, or the mess on the counter, is not the problem. That she needs to redirect, and deal with work issues at work, not at home. He seemed astonished, adding that whenever he attempted that conversation there were always consequences, as though trying to give someone perspective was negative, wrong, and not supportive. This conversation made me think of the other friends posts about relationships, of finding someone who will appreciate you for you, someone with whom you can share and not feel threatened. Good relationships on built on that; friendships, partnerships, marriages, families, social groups and faith groups.
Having read so much about the psychology of dysfunction (see earlier blog on sociopaths) I know I am no expert but good relationships are about an equal or agreed upon power dynamic. When our children were small Terri and I joked that we worked well together because I don't do blood and she didn't do puke. Gross perhaps but a shared recognition that even in the things we'd prefer not to do that it is never one person's responsibility, just as one person cannot make all the decisions. I have often commented in the past that one of our family challenges is having three oldest children each vying for leadership. Caitlin, Terri, and I are all firstborns and accustomed to making decisions. It wasn't conflict, but there are often tough compromises to be made.
I often share memories of positive comments made to me about myself and others. One of the recent, and very positive comments, was made by a former colleague, now retired, with whom I had worked at two different institutions. At the first we were in different divisions but often socialized after work or even at the golf course. My group was comprised of four of us, all department managers, who genuinely enjoyed one another. We socialized as families, as couples, as colleagues. My colleague from the other division once said to me "I was envious of your group, how you liked one another and did things together. My group just went their separate ways, we didn't have your 'espirit d' corps'. I had to ponder this a while, I had never thought of us as special. I'd never thought of it as different, but I realized in that moment that our relationships were deeper than work, we trusted and cared for one another outside the work environment. It even extended to some "tough love" from two great friends from that group who pulled me aside to say "are you trying to get fired? what is going on with you?" the confrontation was enough to make me recognize the "black dog" of depression that was following me, and I needed to seek help. I am forever grateful to them for what I am sure was not an easy conversation for them, but...relationships. Sometimes people we love or care about need to hear bad news, but they also need our support.
I don't edit myself so this may come across as rather 'stream of consciousness' or disorganized, but my point is to reinforce how important relationships are, and the intimacy of these relationships has more to do with how we care for one another rather than physical intimacy. I am not afraid to say I love these guys.
No comments:
Post a Comment